An Open Letter to the People of Russia (you too Mr. Putin)

Dear Friends; Now that the nefarious American Edward Snowden has been living among you for several months, perhaps you have had sufficient time to realize that you really do not wish him to remain in your beautiful country. By now you realize that he is a typical American: unprincipled, deceitful, greedy, and unable to stay out of everyone's business. The American people are ultimately responsible for Mr. Snowden, and should be held accountable for his actions; barging in on you without invitation, and expecting you to treat him hospitably. Very boorish behavior, you'll agree. We the American people are willing, in our newfound magnanimity, to "take him off your hands." We will provde the cost of transportation, and his departure from your great land will only save you the cost of feeding and housing him, and the inconvenience of monitoring his actions. Consider this a friendly warning and advice; admit as many Americans inside your lovely borders as you wish, but be careful how long you let them stay. They will soon exhibit the unalterable and anavoidable American tendency to sieze control of whatever they can within their grasp, and immediately begin to exploit it for their own personal gain. This phenomenon is variously called "upward mobility", "the American dream", and "American Exceptionalism", and is a dread disease to be avoided at all costs. If it ever infects your glorious intellectual culture, you will soon find yourself eating spicy chicken wings, wacthing narcissistic Americans compete to get the most votes from a nationwide audience favoring their meager singing and dancing abilities, and hearing something on radio called "rap", which is, in essence, rapid fire verbal drivel with rhythm. All this can be avoided merely by releasing Edward Snowden into American custody, that we who spawned him can be shackled with him. Hell, we'd even be willing to throw in a few orders of spicy chicken wings in trade, in the sincere corporate American belief that everything, including ridiculous and annoying food, should be shared equally. Sincerely, and without ulterior motive, your American friends