I went to college in Colorado in the 1970s and I miss its natural beauty every day, so I road trip back there almost every year. Many years ago, we discovered another fountain of youth, fifteen miles west of Denver on I-70 in the small old mining town of Idaho Springs. Tucked away in the outskirts of this quaint village in the canyon is Indian Springs Resort. They offer hot springs baths, among many other therapeutic treaments. Apparently, the Indians believed the hot springs water had special healing powers. After driving across Kansas, sometimes all night, the hot springs spa is the perfect place to rejuvenate before driving further into the mountains. In the basement of this quaint old resort, they have separate male and female facilities, including "geo-thermal tunnels", caves where six large tubs are carved out of the rock mountain and filled with the scalding hot spring water.
The first time I went, I didn't know how it worked; nudity is mandatory in the geothermal tunnel baths, but a towel can be worn to go in; if you go to the resort unprepared, they will rent you a towel, but the towel is so small, it wouldn't even cover one of my breasts. On that trip, I was traveling with my brothers, so in the segregated female geothermal tunnel, I shyly crept into the tunnel by myself with only a fraction of my body covered, hoping that the tubs were not filled with a bunch of young skinny bitches. I was pleasantly surprised that only a few old women, with fat, sagging bodies much like my own, were the only ones in the tunnel that morning, so my fear and shyness was alleviated from then on. Each year thereafter, as I took different friends into the spa, I intentionally neglected to tell them about the towels, but I always came equipped with a very large beach towel to hide my own body until the very last moment of sinking into the hot springs.
Last summer, I roadtripped out to Colorado with two old schoolmates, Mary Jane and Susan, to visit our friend Sarah at her condo in Breckenridge. We paid for the hot spring bath and proceeded downstairs to the geothermal tunnel. Everyone stripped down and we opened the door to the rock pathway leading to the "cave" with the hot springs tubs. Susan stopped at the door and did not enter because of the density of the steam. The cave is strictly a quiet zone. The water seemed exceptionally hot, so we tested each of the tubs with our toes and Mary Jane sat down and enjoyed the magical water. The temperature of her tub was too hot for me so I moved on through the cave in search of a tub with more tolerable water temperature.
Much to my dismay, there were women in each of the other tubs, and the only tub cool enough for me to get in was occupied by a couple of attractive, young, skinny bitches. They were chatting away (I thought this was a quiet zone), but I dipped into the water, towel and all, then pulled the towel out and began to soak. In a few moments, I heard a loud, annoying beep and Skinny Bitch No. 1 stood up and reached over to the rock shelf and picked up her beeper. She ignored the call, but as she was explaining to her friend how her office couldn't survive without her, the beeper went off again. Well, this is annoying, I thought to myself. The two girls continue to chat, and suddenly, I hear a different tone, one of those annoying cell phone ringtones, and I notice that Skinny Bitch No. 2 is wearing one of those awful blue tooth headset phones over her ear. She reached up and answered the call and started talking loudly, apparently to one of her employees at some unknown business. In the meantime, a third beep comes in on the beeper. Well, I had just had it with these two yuppies disturbing my peaceful soak, so I got up and put on my wet towel and went back out to the locker room.
When I came back, I walked right back to the tub with these obnoxious, self-important businesswomen, dropped my towel and looked over my shoulder at the toilet paper hanging out of my butt, and said, "Oh, would you look at that - I'm getting a fax."
Disclaimer: The last paragraph is an embellishment of unknown origin. Indian Springs Resort is awesome. Be sure to go next time you're in Colorado, and don't forget to take a big towel. ###annie
please scroll down for other articles by Annie in today's issue of The Truthless Reconciler! Thanks!
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