Mixing Memory and Desire

A REMARKDABLE RADIO PROGRAM, "Hidden Brain", on NPR (National Public Radio), presented a discussion on personal memory, dividing it into two categories: Nostalgia, and regret. Nostalgia was defined as a longing for the things of the past, a longing to embrace memory as reality, to return, in a sense, to a cherished past state of affairs. Regret, of course, can be defined as a negative response to memory, a mindset in which we wish the past had been different, that we had acted differently, or had experienced different results in certain past situations. It could be argued that both mindsets are unnecessary, both detrimental to our present well being, both, needlessly stressful and irrelevant to the present. Goethe said that we should never wish to have back anything from the past, that the only purpose served by the past is that it opened up all the possibilities for our present, and, if we are wise, provides us lessons from which we can construct a more productive future. Then too, nostalgia, fondly remembering our past, can be fun, if we accept our longings less than seriously, with a smile and a shoulder shrug. Regret can be instructive, if not allowed to dominate our thinking. We can learn from the past, and our memory gives our lives meaning, context, and a sense of continuity and purpose. The radio program told the story of a lady who had long been estranged from her father, by his choice. One day she was driving with her husband, and saw her father walking down the street with his new wife, arm in arm. She stopped the car to speak to her father, thinking of perhaps a beginning of reconciliation. but then, she lost her courage, and drove on. Later she regretted her choice, and the regret stayed with her. Goethe also said "poor fellow who is all head'. Indeed, we must not stifle or ignore our emotions. But in many cases, a little bit of head doesn't hurt, when dealing with unpleasant emotions. The lady need have no regrets, but only happiness, which, after all, should be the end result of all life, including our memories, correct? The lady mistakenly allowed herself to assume that the chance sighting of her father walking down the street was her one and only golden opportunity, and that she failed to take advantage. That is absolutely false. In fact, every moment of every day of her life was, is, and will remain an opportunity to contact and attempt to reconcile with her estranged father. The fact that she hasn't done it is most likely for the best; she obviously, deep down, does not sufficiently desire the meeting to make it happen. After all, estrangement was his choice, not hers, and every day of his life is an opportunity for reconciliation with her, which he has obviously not taken. So, perhaps the lack of reconciliation is best, in her case. Besides, the opportunity remains, should she ever choose to take it. There are more things worthwhile in life than happy endings for all situations. WE have the present, and its potential for limitless productivity and improvement of all circumstances, we have the future with is unlimited potential for constructive action and reconciliation, and then, we have the past, a past we all have and should cherish, notwithstanding its numerous imperfections and undesirable results. If the past were perfect, we would be overwhelmed with nostalgia. If it were nothing but pain, we would have nothing but regret. The sublime, subtle combination of nostalgia and regret is what makes memory and history, personal and societal, so interesting, and amenable to our learning and so very worthy of being cherished, however tinged with nostalgia and regret our past might be and unavoidably is. To the extent that we all experience nostalgia and regret, let us embrace and cherish them both, for the exceedingly exquisite seasoning of life they both can be, and are.