Masturbating

I DIDN'T MASTURBATE UNTIL I was thirty six years old. I don't know what I was waiting for. I have't looked back. Until then, it was wet dreams, plus the occasional lay in real time. I don't like people, so I don't date much. According to the Christian Bible, masturbation is a great sin, something to do with the "spilling of seed". This must have been guesswork, because the fact that semen is involved in pregnancy was entirely unknown in ancient times, in fact unknown until the late nineteenth century. It may be that the Biblical proscription against masturbation is the best proof that the Bible is truly the "word of God", although one might wonder why God told us that the value of pi is three, that the world is flat, and that when Christ returns, the stars will fall from the sky and smash upon the ground like shiny glass trinkets. Our culture, like the Bible, has everything wrong. We should encourage people to masturbate, instead of snickering about it and avoiding the topic. It should be taught in public schools, along with abstinence. The two go together quite well, don't you think? But here come the Christian hordes, looking down their self righteous noses at anything that makes sense, ruining everything. Population control, avoidance of disease, avoidance of sexual frustration and all the unpleasant behavior which derives therefrom, freedom from the urgent necessity of finding a mate or a one night quickie; the benefits are many. Saves money too. In the United States, the two pillars of culture are the Christian religion and the capitalist economic system, which contradict each other. Christian doctrine regards sex without marriage unacceptable, capitalism urges us to associate every consumer product with sex, and then to go out, buy our product, and enjoy the enhanced sex life which deriveth thereby. Pretty people on television, telling us to spend profligately, and live exciting sexy lives. Its enough to make us want to read the great sex and violence novel that is the Bible, with one hand.