Apologizing, and Forgiving Ourselves

I SUFFER from two mental illnesses,my twin towers of disability. Guilt, and paranoia. My office mate in grad school pointed out wisely that both of these are complete bullshit. I agreed then, and I agree now. My sister, who shares and emmpathizes with our shared guilt, suggested that either we were born into a Catholic family without knowing it, or that we both, over the course of our lives, have "evolved" into Catholics, again, without being aware of it. This, aside from the fact that Catholics formalize and ritualize the expunging of guilt has nothing to do with whether they, as human beings, actually experience more of it thn anyone else. I wish I had started, years ago, to keep track of the number of times I have apologized to people. I recall hitting tennis balls with a friend of mine who, although a good athlete, was not a tennis player. I mentioned to him that if he ever decided to actually become a tennis player, working on his game on a daily basis, that he could become quite good at the sport. I was trying to hit the ball down the middle of the court, right to him, setting him up for easy shots. I was so determined to serve tennis balls to him on a silver platter, that I realized this was as effective a method of working on my game as trying to hit the ball to every corner of the court, and that his errant, unpredictable shots were good practice for me as well, making me scramble all over the court chasing down his wild shots. I felt obligated to feed him easy shots, and everytime I failed to do this, I softly said to him from across the court "I'm sorry". I must have apologized to him for hitting too tough a shot...what... a hundred times? Within a half hour of hitting tennis balls I had racked up dozens of "I'm sorries". As an experienced college level player, I felt obligated to feed his tennis balls suitable for beginners. Finally, after enduring several dozen apologies, he had had enough. Would you effing stop apologizing every damned time you make a mistake?! Even he, a tennis beginner, understood that when you play tennis, you make mistakes, no matter who you are. I recall years ago watchig a tennis match on television which involved my favorite player of all time, Bjorn Borg. Borg, of course, is considered by many to be one of the best if not the very best, the "G'O.A.T., as we like to say these days. In the middle of a very important match, (it may have even been Wimbledon), the great Borg swung at a tennis ball, and missed it entirely. No contact, like some rank green beginner. He was slicing his racket strings across the ball at a steep angle, barely grazing the ball, putting hard spin on it, as was his style, and he simply cut one too close. Borg acted as if nothing had happened, no problem, and got right back on his game for the next point, a real pro. I learned a valuable lesson. If he, perhaps the greatest to ever swing a racket, is capable of making such a mistake, (the match was on clay, and the ball took a bad bounce), then why, in the name of Billy Jean King, should I fret and fume over a few bad shots off my racket? One of my best tennis buddies had the same habit,incessantly apologizing for no real reason, and every time we played tennis together, even while we were warming up, the number of needless apologies issued between us must have climbed into the thousands. The answer, as it so often does for me, comes from Goethe, who said: "Since everyone makes mistakes, since even the greatest among us have made mistakes, we have no reason to regard our own errors as inexcusable." I have another friend who says that apologies are bullshit. That I don't agree with. A sincere, appropriate apology is, to my thinking, among the noblest forms of human behavior. Well intentioned people seem to always be their own harshest critics. And although there is much to be admired in this, this determination to ceaselessly seek self improvement, what benefit do we gain by endlessly chastising ourselves, reminding ourselves or our shortcomings, while failing to give ourselves due credit for the nobility of soul we exhibit when we offer, in sincerity, a heartfelt apology? As Goethe said: "Only by errors which really irk us do we advance". We are taught by Jesus to forgive people, without hesitation. Surely we should not hesitate to forgive ourselves.