Messaging, For Love Or Money

I SIGN ON TO FACEBOOK, and notice that there are several messages in storage, waiting for me. In no hurry, I do a bit of feed scrolling, and the usual cavalcade of cute kittens, Arkansas Razorbacks, if you love dogs press thumb, scenic vistas, traitorous Trump, Monet, Cezanne, anti-religion posts flow down and out of view. I actually like Facebook, although I tell people I don't, to make me seem intellectully superior. ("When one respects nothing, it is no trick to be brilliant", as Goethe said). I like the way that your personal feed content matches your personal interests on Facebook, the tailor made algothmatic made to order avalanching cavalcade of squares, intended to seduce and conquer. Whenever I see something I like, which is constantly, I click on "like". Whenever I happen upon somebody's comment post, and I agree with it, which is often, I type in the word "precisely". I have nearly the maximum number of friends, because I have many former students who find me online, and because I accept almost all "friend requests". I don't like to reject invitations, and i like to accumulate people to whom I can advertise and promote this website. Finally, I get to the stored messages. Suddenly a new one pops up, with a small picture of a young, beautiful female face in the upper right hand corner. At the bottom, she says "Hello". I type in "howdy". Then begins the standard interview, which rarely varies. They open with: "How are you"? Everytime, I respond with a single word: "well", meaning, "I am well". (I don't like to typewrite, and do I it tersely. Shakespeare said: "The best men are men of few words")... My one word response "well", always seems to confuse the young ladies, whih I find srange and amusing. Sometimes they ask: "Well, what?". I never respond to that. Often, I "hear" nothing further. The young lady cannot resolve her confusion, and has fled, I suppose. If she (or he) makes it past "well", the interview proceeds, with complete predictability. Your location? Age? Single? Married? What do you do for a living? When I say "nothing", rather than "I am retired", again, the confusion. And then, of course, the incessant, inevitable "do you have a pic"? Everytime, I answer "no", because I don't. I have no profile, and I take no pictures of myself. That,I think, clearly indicates my limited interest in Facebook. My pictuelessness seems to annoy them. "Take a selfie right now", they often demand. I decline the order. When the information they seek is expressed in the form of an order rather than a request, I tend to bow up. Sometimes I suggest that they use the word "please", and that they refrain from issuing orders. This also seems to confuse them. When they type in truncated, incomplete sentences by using only the first letters of words, "np","tgif",that sort of thing, I get confused. Most amusing of all is that when I reply "68", answering the age question, their response is always: "age is just a number". Yeah, sure, oh hell yes! Sometimes, although not always, I retort; "the hell it is", or "Maybe, but a very important one". Usually, I don't bother with that. It only further confuses them. Whenever I make a simple, direct comment, and the rsponse is "what?", I either repeat my comment verbatim, or say nothing. (I do the same thing in person) When one of them asks: "What are you looking for?", I always reply: "nothing". That always throws them, without exception, Often, it ends the interview. To a lady, without exception, they notify me that they themselves are looking for a relationship, true love online, a forever mate to love and cherish them, until death do... "Good luck with that", I say. Sometimes I say that their chances are better if they turn off the computer, go out in public, maybe to church, maybe to a bar, and mingle, in real life, real space-time. That, of course, is probably not true. Sometimes they agree, sometimes they seem confused. But they always ensure me that by messaging me, they believe thay may have found what they are looking for. Can we be friends? We already are, you're on my list. If the conversation lasts long enough, they always, eventually, get to the point, and ask for money. They need gas money to drive from California to Arkansas, to meet me in person and begin our perfect life together. My responses to this vary. Sometimes I claim to have no money, or that all my available funds are tied up in the stock market or my small business, or that I give it all to charity or that I am not allowd by law and by my parents to touch my trust fund until I turn seventy, or that I am naturally reluctant to send money by electronic transfer to a perfect stranger. That seems to confuse them. They are always looking for an older man, and age is a number. At sixty eight, I am a super hot catch for a twenty year old bikini clad beauty. I know that, and I'll keep trying. There are about twenty messages still to open. They all come with pretty faces and perfect bodies, and hope for a wonderful future, together.