Rushing Into History, Conservatively

SEVERAL MONTHS AGO RUSH LIMBAUGH decided to extend his empire and so he spoke a book, which other people doubtless edited for spelling and grammar, and put into print. The low information conservative hordes descended like piranha, and made Rushie a thousand-aire. "Rush Revere and the Brave Pilgrims", the version in which the pioneers of 1607 and 1620 survive through capitalism and Christ, rather than the more prosaic and factual version, in which they steal from the natives. Finally, after years of cultural hardship and warfare, crawling towards more historical, if unflattering truth, we are coming full circle, and returning to our patriotic pristine fantasies. Home at last, with our beloved propaganda! Unable to resist the sweet tasts of success, Limbaugh just now announced the second book of what one faintly fears could become a series longer than anything ever conceived by Louis L'amour. The sequal, if memory serves, has something to do with the colonial period, and again features Rush Revere. For a project of this magnitude, the author's name must appear on every page. You can imagine Limbaugh's serial history of the United States pounding relentlessy far into the future, dumbing down generations as yet unborn.The pioneers push west peacefully, untainted by violence. The former mexican territories are acquired through intrepid hard work, and manifest destiny. The war between the states becomes once again an unfortunate abberation, with eventual reconciliation and opportunity for all, all the way to Martin Luther Knig, whose fussing recedes back into its previous minor place among the many misguided malcontents of the nineteen sixties. AS we approach the present in the still to be completed Limbaugh legacy of hagiography, the United States withdtraws from Viet Nam victorious, and neo-conservatism carries the fight for freedom forward, spreading virtue around the world in the face of flat out opposition from liberals, moslems, and communists. We'll wait awhile for that fun house tome; right now, in the land of Limbaugh, the colonists are growing restless under British tyranny, and that iconic group of staunch conservatives is gathering in Philadelphia, to found the nation rightly, which is to say, as conservatively as any violent revolution for drastic change can possibly be made to seem.