Losing Our Friends to Alien Abduction

FRIENDSHIP, MOST OF US might agree, is among the most valued treasures of life. Of course, like everything else, it has its downside. Among the pitfalls of friendship in American life, is a most curious phenomenon, (for me if no one else. But, I,suspect, for others too). Namely: strangely enough, if you're an American man, and you make friends with an Anerican woman, or many American women, she will, they will, invariably, be abducted by aliens. And, interestingly enough, the better the friendship, the more harmless, the fewer the edgy sexual undertones complicating it, the more innocent and fun it is, the more likely the kidnapping. Purely platonic, intellectually fulfilling relationships are doomed to extinction through alien abduction. As if the extraterrestrials are having fits of jealousy, or seeking insight into human happiness and its senseless destruction. In many if not most instances the aliens will eventually release her, them, but in nearly every case, the woman is much changed after her abduction. Much changed personality-wise, that is. She's usually much less friendly, and seems to have memory loss, or, in some instances, American women abducted by extraterrestrials come back friendlier than ever, but in a phony sounding, pandering way, as if the friendliness is intended only to avoid further inconvenient contact, intended only for them to part company with you on good terms, safely. A sort of wary, reluctant, guarded warmth, if you will. It happens nearly every time, both the abductions and the post op behavior. Probably more for some than others, but probably, all American men, and the women who unwisely befriend them, have experienced this, at least once. If you've ever noticed that a female friend of yours has vanished, raise your hand. Don't bother to inform the authorities; they are already swamped, and will give only lame assurances. If you didn't know better, you might think that the ladies were merely walking out on friendship, hiding, almost as if twenty percent of American women had been sexually molested or abused, and thus American women in general were very, very fearful, careful, and strategically deceitful. But that accurate analysis wouldn't do here, in America, where all is glitter and appearance, and bad news doesn't set very well. Welcome to the fun house of alternative paradigms and explanations! And ladies, enjoy your ride. I hope they don't stick you with too many needles, and I hope they bring you back less afraid of men, and more confident in your own ability to evaluate them.