Deporting Justin Beiber

PLEASE BEAR IN MIND, THAT in the United States of America, our religion is celebrity, and celebrities are our gods. We build monuments to them. We follow their every move. They headline our television, print media, and internet news providers. Americans spend more time studying celebrities and their glittery lives than they spend studying themselves, or anything else. At the top of the celebrity heap resides nineteen year old Justin Beiber, a Canadian. He has the U. S. of A., the younger female part of it, enraptured and enthralled. But Beibs appears to be following the same trajectory traced out by other young shooting stars entering early adulthood. The pattern is this; establish yourself firmly as a child star, either by precocious artistic output plus savvy marketing, or consistent face time on the Disney channel or Nickelodeon, unblemished. Behave well, because there are few other ways to behave, at eleven or twelve yeaars of closely monotoried age. Then take it one step at a time; first date, first kiss, first driver's license, boom boom boom, like clockwork, every step duly monitored and video recorded for the adoring masses. Then, run for cover, because its time for the monster, aka grownup, to emerge from the protective cocoon. Steady dating, serious romance, breakups, allegations, drinking, fighting, jail time, rehab, the whole bundle. The "Spears-Cyrus syndrome", let's call it. But this time, the American people may have had enough. After all, this one is a foreigner. A petition bearing more than one hundred thousand signatures has reached the Oval Office, demanding the deportation of the young godling, and by law, President Obama is requred to address it. Up or down, Mr. President. Another pickle for the Prez. How would you like to be in Obama's place? He will determine the fate of America's most popular person. Either the moral majority (are they still around?) or every teen aged girl in freedom's land will rise up, camp out in Roosevelt Park, and prepare for an assault on the black, wrought iron gates of the White House. By law, non citizens are welcome to stay in the U.S. as long as they please, provided they behave well. Beibsie hasn't been behaving well. Assault charges, DUIs, the whole nine yards. And it looks to be accelerating, both in terms of frequency and severity of violation. Thus, J. B. might be headed up north, by force, eh? In the event of that, there will be a migration of young folk to Canada the likes of which we have not seen since Viet Nam. If we're lucky, they'll take mainstream American culture with them. Then, our neighbors to the north would surely love us all the more, eh?