Admitting that we Are socialists (at least partly)

IF YOU BELIEVE that the interstate highway system should be funded, owned and operated by private enterprise, you are not a socialist. Our privately owned highways are better than theirs, and we charge less too! Drive on our streets and highways, cross our bridges, not theirs. There they sit, parallel roads, as many as the market will bear, side by side. A gridwork of free choice options, bride after bridge, sitting right next to each other, all crossing the same river, all going to the same place. But try ours. We'll bill you online, while our competitors waste your time at those annoying toll booths. If you believe that your local fire and police departments should be privately funded, owned and operated, then you are not a socialist. Don't call their cops, don't call their firefighters, call ours! Our cops will round up the criminals while our competitor's cops are still on their way to the crime scene. And, we'll bill you at a lower rate, just as soon as we finish up the agreement with you, on the phone, prior to rendering our service. The criminals will simply have to wait. Our firefighters will have your house flame free within minutes, while our competitor's hook and ladder trucks are still en route, and the bill we send you will be lower. It takes only a few minutes to complete our agreement, wasting little time, while your house fire awaits the winning bid. Eliminate the socialistic public school system, and rid the nation of socialism! Our privately owned schools are better than their privately owned schools, every last one of them. We employ better teachers, at lower rates of pay, resulting in lower tuition costs for you and your children. Thank goodness free market capitalism keeps those annoying teacher's salaries, and the cost to you, to a minimum. Publicly owned and operated water and sewer systems? Privatize 'em! Flush your toilet, drink your tap water with our company; the other guys just don't measure up. A new sewer system is currently being installed by a newly incorporated, stock issuing concern devoted to free enterprise, and will soon compete with all the other sewer systems, their pipes and our pipes lying side by side. Invest now. Our stock will surely rise, as more and more people transfer their excremental "business" from theirs to ours. Or, subscribe to all, and enjoy the benefits of multiple toilets, each owned by a different company. Flush away! But remember, ours goes down faster, and more efficiently. The other companies, every single one of them, and there are many, require two flushings, especially after a hard night of pizza and burritos. The benefits of goods and services, all goods and services, provided by free enterprise! While you're at it, flush the crazy notion that "socialism doesn't work", and, my fellow free market capitalists, let's be honest for once; socialism, more often than not, not only "works", but is the only reasonable way to get things done. My friends, we are all socialists, to one degree or another, whether or not we want to be, whether or not we are willing to admit it.